Posted on February 20, 2011


There comes a time in everyone’s (that may be an exaggeration) life on the road of sexual experiences when you’re going to be confronted with a request to do something that you may not be entirely comfortable with, and should you satisfy the request, you find you didn’t enjoy it in the slightest. Often, this request will come in the heat of battle – you’ll be going at it like rabbits and your partner will interject their desire; Now, the first time it’s asked, you may be able to act as if you didn’t hear it, and don’t oblige – but the second time you have a choice.

Perhaps you’ll have been drinking with friends that night; a girl’s been giving you eyes and suggestive yet light physical contact. Perhaps, when the night’s festivities adjourn, this girl “doesn’t want to walk home” – so you offer to let her stay at your place. It’s a bit of an empty ritual; you both know how the night’s going to end – but you do it anyway, because it’s how it’s worked every other night. And hey, it doesn’t hurt to be a little more sure of exactly what somebody wants; sexual harassment charges just ruin everyone’s Christmas.

You lead her back to your place – maybe you’re holding hands, maybe there’s some smalltalk – but it’s all forgettable because you’re both focused on the anticipation and putting one foot in front of another properly. You get inside and apologize for the state of the place – you keep meaning to spend a day cleaning fully. She doesn’t care. Moments later you’re sucking face and just another few left and you’re in bed, doing one thing or another.

But maybe about halfway in, you’re pumping away and she’s moaning your name – and suddenly, she says:

“Choke me.”

You pause for the slightest moment, but continue on as if you didn’t hear anything. Choke her? I don’t th-

“Put your hand around my neck, and choke me.” She grabs your wrist. You’re panicking, but you don’t show it. She guides your hand to her neck and places your palm on it.

That choices I was talking about earlier? Well, you could just say that you aren’t comfortable with it – and that’s certainly a valid option. But often it’ll ruin the mood, and honestly – you’re a number of drinks in and mid-coital; so maybe you just roll with it.

But you don’t know what you’re doing – Choke her? How hard do I have to squeeze for it to qualify as choking instead of being a little rough? You squeeze a bit, still pumping away.

“Harder.” You squeeze harder. “Keep doing it, and a little harder.”

You’re a little nervous by this point – you weren’t totally comfortable doing this in the first place and now you’re not even sure if you’re doing it right, but you squeeze that much harder. She’s satisfied with the strength, you realize, as she’s gasping, barely able to breath, no longer calling your name – because she can’t – but she’s got a look of ecstasy on her face, and nodding. It hasn’t gotten any less weird for you. In your internal dialogue you’ve stopped legitimately enjoying the sex as anything other than a mechanical response because you’re still caught up in the fact that you’re nigh-choking a girl to death and she’s loving it. Honestly, you think to yourself, you’re not enjoying it – but you keep up with it for the purpose of pleasing your partner.

She comes first – you’re still feeling a bit off, so you might not – but if it’s close you’ll usually rush it up. You lie next to them, probably still pretty thoroughly uncomfortable – but they don’t notice because you worked specifically on hiding that you weren’t digging the asphyxiation. Maybe you cuddle the rest of the night, maybe you lie on opposite sides of the bed – that’s usually a point of personal preference.

She leaves early the next morning. You put on a smile and bid them a good day, but secretly you’re glad to see them leave. You keep thinking back to your hand wrapped around their neck, squeezing, and it makes you cringe every time. You didn’t really sleep all that well with them next to you. You shake it off and start the coffee before you head back to bed.

So, what’s your “choking” story?

N.B.: Feel free to replace “girl” and “her” with “him” or “it” to your leisure – if it floats your boat then boy howdy, keep that buoyancy in stock and use it to your leisure and don’t let anyone judge you for it. A person’s sexual orientation is their business and frankly, should be a point of pride for everyone. You should be pleased with who you are. And by the same token, a person’s fetish is their own business and should be embraced if it makes them happy, provided it isn’t seriously morally wrong. Just, you know, doesn’t mean we’re all going to be comfortable participating.

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